Lead Story
OBAMA WINS; KENTUCKY, ALABAMA SECEDE FROM UNION
With over 95% of Alabama precincts reporting victory for “Anyone But The Black Guy” and Kentuckians hurriedly buying all the bourbon and firearms they can afford after declaring bankruptcy over medical expenses they might not have had to worry about if they voted for Democrats, Clusterdouche! calls the election for Senator Barack Obama for President of the United States Minus Those That Secede Between Now and January, huzzah!
[ MORE AFTER THE JUMP» ]
Features
HEY LOOK! A DUMBASS RADIO SHOW!»
And by “Radio Show” I mean, of course, that you can’t possibly listen to the show on anything remotely resembling a “radio,” unless you’ve gone all Professor From Gilligan’s Island and built a radio out of a coconut that is also an interwebs browsification device. In which case: Huzzah, you’re a fucking genius! But seriously: Click on over to ELVIS DINGELDEIN’S DRUNKEN SOLILOQUY, a real-live BlogTalkRadio show!
GARVULOUS Q. SLUMPUDDLE PRESENTS: GARVULICIOUS! SHIT ON THE INTERNETS I’M DIGGIN THE MOST!»
In which Features Editor Garvulous Q. Slumpuddle rolls pimp style with the Best of the Internets. Or just random shit he finds while surfing the webs in his underpants.
DoucheTube : McCAIN MAKES WITH THE SPEECHINESS IN FRONT OF GIANT MEANINGLESS CLIP-ART; RNC POWERPOINT GUY FIRED»
Because you don’t spend nearly enough time glued to The YouTubes, we’ll pull some random goodness now and then and — just like The Fox News — punditize it for you so you’ll know exactly how to feel about what you’re seeing. Clusterdouche!: Lather, Rinse, Repeat Until It’s True!
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR»
This week’s Clusterdouche! brought to you by Scott Brand Toilet Tissue, who made it fashionable to terrorize Middle America with wildly overstated fears more than a century before the Bush Administration made it Political Art.
Politics
McCAIN ROBOCALLING EFFORTS BACKFIRE, INCITE INSANE RACIST CROWDS TO VIOLENCE AGAINST AFRICAN-AMERICAN ROBOTS»
John “Beep-Boop-Beep-Bop” McCain finally plugs into the 21st Century by employing a race of killer racist androids to make character-assassinating calls to violently bigoted Stupid Folk down in the bogs ‘n hollers of West Virginia and Pennsylvania. Luckily for the Democrats, these people don’t yet have telephones.
[ MORE AFTER THE JUMP» ]NEWS
JOHN McCAIN WINS CRUCIAL RACIST ZOMBIE VOTE WITH HYSTERICAL “THAT ONE” ZINGER»
Desperate to shore up support in the last remaining pool of racist assholes left that might vote for him, Senator John “Some of ‘My Friends’ Wear Hoods!” McCain went to the well last night for an Oldie-But-Goodie straight out of Strom Thurmond’s Hate Gland.
[ MORE AFTER THE JUMP» ]Bush
BUSH PIONEERS “NEENER DIPLOMACY,” WON’T READ ELECTRIFIED MAIL»
The New York Times reported today that, as hard as this might be to believe if you’re a fucking adult and expect that maybe your elected government officials are also fucking adults and perhaps should behave accordingly, the Bush Administration has reached the point where it simply won’t read communications it knows will get its [...]
[ MORE AFTER THE JUMP» ]Showbiz
BUSH SOLVES ECONOMIC CRISIS; SELLS STATE OF MONTANA TO MILEY CYRUS»
In a desperate effort to “refill the ol’ coffers” after 8 years of his running the place turns out to suck intergalactic monkey ass, President George Bush starts selling U.S. assets to the Still Wealthy “while the gettin is good, heh-heh-heh.” Also, the Grand Tetons showed up on eBay today.
[ MORE AFTER THE JUMP» ]
