Clusterdouche! Real News. Fake People.

HEY LOOK! A DUMBASS RADIO SHOW!

Elvis Dingeldein — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:28:56 +0000

This week on ELVIS DINGELDEIN’S DRUNKEN SOLILOQUY: All the latest news from the Farm Of Doom; a look back at President Obama’s First 100 Days (SPOILER ALERT: Texas loves him so much they want to secede and rename their new country “Obamastan”); Florida wants Crucified The Jesus™ on a fun-filled license plate reminding everyone that the Sunshine State doesn’t yet belong entirely to The Jews; and the Hysterical Comedy Stylings of the magnificent Frangela, I shit you not!

All of this plus News & Comments, your terrifyingly random phone calls, much consumption of The Maker’s Mark Fine Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey and whatever the fuck else I feel like pulling out of my ass at the last minute. So join me, won’t you? It’s Elvis Dingeldein’s Drunken Soliloquy, brought to you by the fine folks at BlogTalkRadio.

OBAMA WINS; KENTUCKY, ALABAMA SECEDE FROM UNION

Elvis Dingeldein — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:17:04 +0000

With over 95% of Alabama precincts reporting victory for "Anyone But The Black Guy" and Kentuckians hurriedly buying all the bourbon and firearms they can afford after declaring bankruptcy over medical expenses they might not have had to worry about if they voted for Democrats, Clusterdouche! calls the election for Senator Barack Obama for President of the United States Minus Those That Secede Between Now and January, huzzah!

McCAIN ROBOCALLING EFFORTS BACKFIRE, INCITE INSANE RACIST CROWDS TO VIOLENCE AGAINST AFRICAN-AMERICAN ROBOTS

Elvis Dingeldein — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:00:58 +0000

John “Beep-Boop-Beep-Bop” McCain finally plugs into the 21st Century by employing a race of killer racist androids to make character-assassinating calls to violently bigoted Stupid Folk down in the bogs ‘n hollers of West Virginia and Pennsylvania. Luckily for the Democrats, these people don’t yet have telephones.

JOHN McCAIN WINS CRUCIAL RACIST ZOMBIE VOTE WITH HYSTERICAL “THAT ONE” ZINGER

Elvis Dingeldein — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 12:32:22 +0000

Desperate to shore up support in the last remaining pool of racist assholes left that might vote for him, Senator John "Some of 'My Friends' Wear Hoods!" McCain went to the well last night for an Oldie-But-Goodie straight out of Strom Thurmond's Hate Gland.

XANADOUCHE 002 : Elvis Dingeldein’s Fucking Prescient Guess-O-Faction Machine

Elvis Dingeldein — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 22:22:56 +0000

Elvis loads up the Fucking Prescient Guess-O-Faction Machine with a half-gallon of BBQ sauce, the sweat from Ann Coulter's jock-strap, two pure ounces of distilled juice from Pat Buchanan's Racist Gland, and some bong resin. BIDEN/PALIN DEBATE PREDICTIFACTION, GO!

BUSH SOLVES ECONOMIC CRISIS; SELLS STATE OF MONTANA TO MILEY CYRUS

Adrian Wapcaplet — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:10:11 +0000

In a desperate effort to "refill the ol' coffers" after 8 years of his running the place turns out to suck intergalactic monkey ass, President George Bush starts selling U.S. assets to the Still Wealthy "while the gettin is good, heh-heh-heh." Also, the Grand Tetons showed up on eBay today.

DEBATE-PREP WIRETAP REVEALS 23 HOURS OF PARALYZING BOREDOM, 8 MINUTES OF BEFUDDLERY

Elvis Dingeldein — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:46:14 +0000

In a Clusterdouche! Exclusive, we go behind-the-scenes to better understand why John McCain refused to make eye contact Barack Obama, and how a quick-thinking Tucker Bounds keeps his candidate cool under pressure. This transcript was obtained illegally, unless George W. Bush is still in power, in which case I can video tape your sainted grandmother going Number Two and put it on The You-Tubes with impunity.

STOCK MARKET THROWS TEMPER-TANTRUM AFTER DADDY WITHHOLDS $700 BILLION ALLOWANCE; AMERICANS SHIT PANTS AS TOILETS CLOG WITH LIFE SAVINGS

Elvis Dingeldein — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 02:32:17 +0000

The Stock Market™ loses a trillion dollars because you taxpaying pricks wouldn't loan it a measly $700 billion. Seriously, you taxpayers are asswipes and now The Market has taught you a lesson. So suck it. BUT DON'T WORRY: When fortunes are lost and entire houses pack up and move to Mexico, people drink a shitload of beer, so John McCain and his Soulless Robot Wife are going to be just fine. All you normal people can go fuck yourselves up a flagpole long as you drink the icy, delicious Anheuser Busch. Mmm, that's good peasantry. Also, Sarah Palin is a xanadouche.

XANADOUCHE : 001

Elvis Dingeldein — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:07:48 +0000

Because Sarah Palin exceeds any definition in Heaven or on Earth of mere mortal douchebaggery, we give you a running tally of the magical splendor that is The Xanadouche.

PALIN FIXES ECONOMY BY CHARGING ALL AMERICAN WOMEN FOR RAPE KITS

Elvis Dingeldein — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 22:26:58 +0000

Sarah Palin stuns The Media first by actually talking to them -- something unheard of since her nomination to serve as Vice President of an America that has clearly lost its fucking mind -- and then by showing Better-Than-D+ acumen on the economy.