SARAH PALIN WINS McCAIN VEEPSTAKES; GOOGLE COLLAPSES UNDER “WHO THE FUCK IS SARAH PALIN??” SEARCHES
By Elvis Dingeldein • Aug 29th, 2008 • Category: Lead Story, NEWS
Moose-eating, Pro-Life, Pro-Gun, daze-eyed ex-beauty queen and the nation’s #1 GILF1 Sarah Palin, whose political experience includes unveiling Alaskan quarters while wearing unbelievably hot boots and a whorish little skirt, will be John McCain’s Vice Presidential running mate and possibly the Hot Buttered Ass for which he leaves his current wife once her political influence and money runs out or her many face-lifts explode like an overtaxed suspension bridge.
According to unverified sources that couldn’t possibly just be shitting into their hands and throwing it at walls to see if they can distract the Vast Corporate Barbeque Media from saying nice things about Barack Obama’s ass-kickery in Denver last night, McCain will in fact forego all the “qualified,” “advantageous” and “politically intelligent” choices for Vice President and instead lock up Alaska’s crucial 3 Electoral Votes “with a really hot piece of ass.” The Sexy McCain Spokeswoman went on to say, “Listen, I’m a Republican, which means I’m obviously straight and have never had anything but The Wonder-Bread Missionary Sexual Intercourse, but between you and me, even I would screw this woman. She’s just hot.”
And really, isn’t that what the nation needs right now? Not competence or hope for a new direction but the basest, most cynical grab-assing for that handful of bitter, twisted PUMAs and CHUDs that would vote for any vagina-owner – even one that would crush a woman’s right to choose and breeds like a West Virginian – rather than admit their girl got beat by a black man. “We have no shame,” says McCain aide Gunther “Black and Decker” Testosterone-Gunownerton. “Our candidate has an abysmal record on women’s rights, he left his first wife after a crippling car accident to screw some rich Republican robot, so we’ve got some serious pandering to do. And yes, women simply are that stupid. We’ve got this sewn up now!”
Palin is expected to appear with Senator John McCain at noon Eastern Time today, wearing a stunning red two-piece bikini and sexy strapless 6-inch heels. No word yet on what Governor Palin will be wearing. POW! Nailed that one!
1 Governor I’d Like to Fuck.
UPDATE : Okay, yeah, it’s Palin for sure. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go soil ourselves with The Joy.
UPDATE REDUX : If there’s such a thing as a complete absence of bliss — if the human face can be said to reflect “joy” without the body to which it is attached feeling that emotion — then this photograph from the AP has captured that phenomenon beautifully:
Not to mention the Terrorist Fist Jab directed at The God™, that can’t be good, can it? Could she look any less enthusiastic? Could McCain look any more smugly satisfied? How many of McCain’s hands are on Palin’s spectacular buttocks right now? Is his bayonet scar throbbing?
So in other words, she’ll think about being the Veep, as long as it gets Alaska paid, bitches! Well that’s really Putting America First, isn’t it? Just one state at a time. Starting with the least populated of them. (We have no idea if that’s true, we don’t do “research,” but it sounds right. Hawaii may be less populated, but that’s where Barack was born, so we don’t mock Hawaii.)
Elvis Dingeldein is kicking The Ass and taking The Names.
Email this author | All posts by Elvis Dingeldein
I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard since Cheney shot that guy in the face.
I’m still dizzy from the ridiculousness of this choice. Maybe McCain figured it’s all over after witnessing last night’s drubbing and decided he might get laid if he chose her. Sure, it’s frozen Alaska pussy (still fresh even after five kids) but at this point, isn’t anything better than the Cindy-bot 3000?
Bird - We’re confused: Laughed so hard because of McCain’s choice (understandable) or at our story (more understandable)?
Mr. The Broadway Carl - Welcome, huzzah! (PS - There’s nothing wrong with Frozen Alaska Pussy; order it with hot melted butter and maybe a little Old Bay. No…wait. Wait, that’s Alaskan King Crab legs.)
I’ve heard previously rational Alaskans (ok, maybe that’s an oxymoron) discussing how this is GREAT for Alaska.
Fuck.
I can’t wait for her to debate Biden.
I think Michael Palin would have been a funnier choice. And he probably has more foreign policy experience. And a silly walk. But maybe McOld wasn’t going for funny?
BTW just found this site (forwarded from Bob Cesca’s GD Awesome site), and I already have you bookmarked
Love the post Mr. Elvis.
Thank you, and welcome, Mr. The JimmyJames! I’ll be sure to let Bob know he’s lost another fan to our site, he’ll appreciate that.
And yes, Michael Palin is a world-traveler and can sing the Lumberjack Song: Instantly more qualified than Sarah.
This is Christmas in August for Senator Obama.
Yeah, “great for Alaska,” that’s exactly what we’ve needed in a president. Poor, poor Alaska. GOD WHO WILL THINK OF POOR ALASKA?!?
The beauty pageant and hunting stories are fun, but you could have at least followed up with mention of the PTA experience that led her into politics.
Right, we totally forgot the Harper Valley PTA Qualification that makes this fiesty, self-styled Hockey Mom the perfect Veep for a doddering old gimp with 6-8 months left on his worn-out ticker.
Perhaps they’re hoping people will vote for her now that we’ve all heard her LOVELY voice.
p.s. I thought I was on the blogroll.
Mr. The Travis Disaster - We’ll put you back at once, sir! We’re still migrating from the Old Crappy Format to the New Sexy Format. Our apologies, you fucking taskmaster!
I am firm, but fair. Like Sarah Palin!
I can’t WAIT for Matthews tonight. He can call his old buddy G. Gordon Liddy and ask to borrow his drool cup.
HILARIOUS, thanks for the laugh!
Mmmm, she is so firm. And ripe. Firm and ripe. And luscious. Oh, and juicy. And red and seeded.
Oh, hang on, wait. That’s the tomato I had with lunch.
But, does the tomato think that the Flinstones was based on a true story?
It was a pretty fucking smart tomato, Mr. The Travis Disaster. Only much, much stupider fruits believe in The Creationism™.
Hot? Really? I’ve always been a little confused about the whole republican concept of hot. Quaylin is about 10 years and some bad hair advice away from looking like Margaret Thatcher.
I believe the Terrorist Fist Jab directed at The God™ is acceptable as long as you have birthed five arrows for the quiverfull.
She’ll look really nice in Cheney’s tiara.
I found this blog today.Came over from Cesca’s site.
He’s awesome, this place is too!
Broadway Carl… hilarious!
I’ll have more to say, when I can line up the plethora of new material which McSame has blessed us.
Oh my stars and garters … Elvis is not scarfing Moon Pies and RC ‘colas at a truck stop in Paducah … he is HERE, making me pee my pants … again! Fabulous; wet panties never felt so good
Well, Bob may have made a mistake putting that linkie on his Goddamn Awesome Blog … you are now officially Bookmarked. I think Miss Moosejaw’s Fist Jab for Jeezus is hilarious. Pinky and Perky make quite the pair, I must say 
Glad to have you all here, and thank you for speaking up, but please, please keep up all your good work on Bob Cesca’s Goddamn Awesome Blog Go! He was kind enough to shill for us today and we want to keep driving hysterical commentary to his site. Bob works a lot harder at his blog than we do on this pony show, so keep us bookmarked together and wait for the day that our worlds collide into Bob Cesca’s Goddamn Clusterdouche Go!
I hope I can get her to sign my yearbook.
Just wait until you hear her say nucluar just like President Chimpy Asshat. You’ll pee sweet and sour sauce.
And capital-fucking-A Elvis, my man, you’re cracking some serious traffic over here. Congrats to your well deserved success bla bla bla penis bla bla bla whatever. Great post as always.
Evangelically yours (in a completely heterosexual way)
Super J.
I always wondered what had happened to Judy Tenuta.
I swear when she said, “I am proud and honored to be the Vice Presidential nominee for the Republican party,” I was waiting and waiting for the “NOT!”
Sorry for the confusion Elivs. While both McBush’s choice and your story are each hilarious in their own right your story left me in tears. Clusterdouche - bookmarked!
I’m all for criticizing this woman - and she richly deserves it for her ridiculous positions - but I have to say:
There is nothing wrong with those boots or skirt. This is a common outfit that many women own.
The article is hilarious, but I find that bit vaguely sexist.
I love blogs. I’ve been read blogs, lots of blogs, everyday. However, I’ve never read a blog that had me in tears from laughing from beginning to end. Clusterdouche, one in a billion. Thanks for the laughs. I need ‘em.
Sorry about the last comment. I’m still laughing so hard I can’t see what I’m typing.
Good stuff! Came over from the crooks & liars link. Keep this stuff up, you’re giving the rude pundit a run for his money, and as readers we all win!
gueuze
Katherine Harris V2.0.
You guys might be interested in this website: http://detentionslip.org. It’s the #1 source for crazy news stories from our schools.
Dude, Hawaii has almost exactly TWICE the pop of Alaska. A quick look at [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._states_by_population]The Wiki[/url] will show we are not even the smallest! Great article, BTW. Just wait till her dirt gets aired nationally!
Just so you know, Honolulu city of, has twice the population as Alaska (of course it also has 70 some % of the sates pop.)kev.
You guys are soooo wickedly bad! Where have you been all my life? Anyway, check out the below link to another good article on Sarah (Dan Quayle-in-a-dress) Palin. Es muy bueno! Also props to C & L for sending me here.
PS In fairness to VP Quayle, he only wears dresses at home and on the weekends.
http://mudflats.wordpress.com/2008/08/29/what-is-mccain-thinking-one-alaskans-perspective/#comment-1163
you’re all being very juvenile,
…but they started it!
Laughed my ass off!!! Bookmarked
Ok, so what is a CHUD? “Citizen having unusual difficulty”, is the only thing I found that might fit.
Phew! After getting the dreaded “error 404″ yesterday when I came to see what you guys had to say about Miss “I Shoot Abortionists because I’m pro-life” Alaska and her leap at the glass ceiling, I can’t express* my enormous relief at finding you still doing business at the same old stand. The new look is, uh…interesting. (Let me know if you’d like a little constructive criticism).
*well, I could, but I don’t need to show off for you guys.
Just came for a visit and decided to stay - great site!
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/8/30/121350/137/486/580223
I’m on the fence about buying “itsnotherkid.com” or some such thing to promote this.
Sandy, please don’t bring up that horrifying Quiverfull shit. I am sensitive, free of eating disorders, and that topic has me pulling a Linda Blair on my cat at the moment. Who vomits on the carpet now, you little bewhiskered Fuck!
very fairly funny, i too came via crooks & liars, but i will be coming back by myself and faster!
but what ever you do, don’t spread the nasty rumor that mrs. palin’s down syndrome baby is really the baby of palin’s oldest teen age daughter, first reported by the moderate voice.
that’s just nasty.
@ JN - Clusterdouche! takes the following position vis-à-vis The Sexism: If you’re a woman that dares install yourself in a position of power and influence — of any sort, political, moral, via elected office or Hollywood stardom — by purposefully making an Object of the Sexy-Time of yourself, then you’re fair game for the occasional whore-bomb.
This is the difference between Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, and the first and only reason why no supporter of the latter should ever dream of voting for the former: One paved her road to success by making her physical beauty a thing to be judged by men and women as some sort of measure of worth while the other broke her fucking asshole working to defy exactly those squalid stereotypes. One paraded herself on a stage like a County Fair-winning pig, hoping for blue ribbons and long thunderous applause, while the other went to law school and worked for children’s rights and healthcare for the poor. When your Path to Power includes Evening Dress and Swimwear competitions, the go-go boots make you a whore. They are the antithesis of The Modest Pantsuit.
Palin is exactly why we at Clusterdouche! detest hypocritical Republicans. They want their women barefoot and pregnant at home, stripped of their rights and equality, unless it’s a media whore like Ann Coulter, a corporate shill like the wretched Carly Fiorina or a “governor” like Sarah Palin; then they want them stomping on balls, outsourcing their children’s care, rocking the high heels and made up like a slut.
In my arrogant. elitist opinion - that was freakin’ hilarious!:) I’m so glad I wore my Depends!;)
Dear Gorgeous Editorial Staff: Your site makes me so hot. Please call me. A sense of humor is the sexiest thing in the world! ~Janna
PS–This article also had a mention (well, a link, at least) on crookandliars.com this morning. You’ve hit the big time!
That should be crooksandliars.com, above.
Where am I? I’ve been putting off Bob’s blog for when I had more time, and mysteriously appeared here, and LMAO. Crap, must have been those crooks and liars. Now I have to come here too dammit.
Hey, The Sandy™! Thanks for the h/t to Quiverfull, we had never heard of them before you dropped it in and someone else picked it up on this thread. What a very interesting idea, actively promoting the dozen-or-so-kids lifestyle in order to build a honky army for The Christ! Of course something like this is our idea of Hell on Earth, but then again we’ve never let The Jesus do our family planning for us.
Janna - We owe an enormous Hat Tip to Ms. The Blue Gal for magically making our little dog-and-pony show appear at the venerable Crooks & Liars. That was enormous. We encourage everyone to check her out.
My mother sent me here, I’m linking to it from my wimpy little 360. My first instinct was to be put off at the sexist and derogatory comments. Then as I kept reading and I laughed so hard coffee came out my nose…I understood. Thanks for the Sunday morning read.
Welcome, Comfortably (and tell your mom we says HEY!). Disclaimer: We cannot be held responsible for the sudden nasal redirection of hot morning beverages, so please don’t make with the lawsuits. And to all our new readers, please scour the archives and go tag-hunting for our older stuff, it’s much better than the phone-ins we roll with these days.
screw skippy — if the librarian lady and mccain are going to wave that baby in the faces of voters to suggest that “if my mom were a democrat i’d be dead!” the public has every right to know whether the evidence that the child is in fact her daughter’s can be further substantiated. i’ve seen the picture of palin where she is allegedly 7 months pregnant and you would have to literally believe that the stork drops babies down the chimbley to believe that she in fact gave birth in april.
the world has truly gone insane when we rely on the national enquirer to do the work that the national press should be doing.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You said “chimbley”! Fanfuckingtastic.
We’re not jumping on the Trig Is Her Grandson Rumor just yet, that just sounds too dopey and improbably to repeat. We’re Unabashedly Liberal here at Clusterdouche!, but we’re not irresponsible rumormongers.
Except for that thing about Jews masterminding The 9/11. That’s so true.
VOTE! McCorpse & Palin, the MILF and the mummy. Change you can Depends on!
With her experience shes ready to change McCains diapers & spoon feed him Pablum, on day one. And she’ll be there for those 3am Life Alert emergency “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” senior moments.
I’m surprised that the Clusterdouche! hadn’t heard of the Quiverfull movement. My favorite Quiverfull family will always be the Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar family from Arkansas–”#18 is on the way!”.
http://www.duggarfamily.com/
Sure… ignore your oldest groupie! Never mind I almost had a major coronary incident when I couldn’t find you! Don’t worry… I’ll be just fine. *placing back of hand feebly on forehead*…But I’ll never inquire as to the health and welfare of your collective penii again, you ungrateful little shits! I don’t care if you never see wood again. Acknowledge my august presence or be forever flaccid!
Your site has won a Blog of the Day Award (BOTDA)
Award Code
Thank you,
Bill Austin
I’m back.
I was thinkin’ about this McNasty’s VP ‘pick’. YA Know what?
Most of us take more time to pick out a puppy!
Followed a link by The Sandy™ from ‘Orange bubble land’ ™ Thought I’d never get to read y’all again! (horrid thought!) This was definitley worht waiting to find. Up to your usual comic genius and I am so glad The Sandy™ dropped her link for me to find!
Elvis, wanna guess who proved you wrong on this line?
*This is the difference between Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, and the first and only reason why no supporter of the latter should ever dream of voting for the former*
My sincere apology to Zach and the de-whiskered kitty.
When I told my cousin this morning that Palin’s voice literally makes my skin crawl, she sent me here. I don’t know how I lived without this site. May you all be touched by His Noodly Appendage.
Good to have you here, S&T, and thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Palin’s voice — but more than that, her self-righteous, sneering tone — makes our skin crawl too. Last night’s convention was one of the most stomach-turning spectacles we’ve ever witnessed.
America simply cannot be so stupid as to fall for this sophomoric bullshit again. Governor Palin read a speech written for her by white male douchebags. She’s a real hero.
No, thank YOU for making me laugh when I wanted to throw up in my mouth. It is always the same hypocritical, lying bullshit from the Republicans. The fact that they don’t see the irony of the turds that fall out when they speak would be hysterical if it wasn’t so fucking sad at this point.
BE AFRAID! BARACK OBAMA DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING AND YOU COULD BE ATTACKED BY A HORDE OF MUSLIMS AT ANY MOMENT!
I sincerely hope you are right about this country, but I also thought that we wouldn’t be dumb enough to let Dubya have 4 more years. And the same white male douchebags that wrote his speeches are the ones that wrote hers; she just doesn’t stumble over the words as much.
BTW, what the fuck is up with her kids names? Trig? Is that short for Trigonometry? Was there a Most Pretentious Whitebread Naming Contest that I wasn’t informed of?
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity to rant a bit. I’m sure you haven’t heard the last of my bile.
Just for fun folks-why don’t you “google” Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and top political contributions. Maybe that will be your wake up call. Go on-I dare you…..
Honestly, who is this bird? The title of this article is hilarious because that’s exactly what I searched for in google ‘Who The Fuck Is Sarah Palin??” I’m English so American politics bothers me not (save for when the Pm has his nose stuck up the USA president’s butt, but (excuse the pun) recently I’ve heard her name a lot in the media, but I thought she was like a comedian or something judging by the articles that have been written about her. Is she the new Veronika Ballinski or what? What does she actually do?
Americans are so concerned with celebrity or breaking boundaries that they forget to elect the people that actually have something slightly more useful than sawdust between their ears, hence the state of the country today. What’s that? Iraq? Afghanistan? 9/11? Economy collapse? Sex scandals? . . just a day in the life of the US Senate haha
qutenuox3cnm4p4r