In a stunning move meant to deflect national attention from the outrageously shitty grade she earned in macroeconomics during the one semester she held still long enough to complete a full class, Veep-hopeful and chronic mediaphobe Sarah “My Vagina Is A Penis” Palin announced today that she can pump more than $326 million into the U.S. economy simply by charging all American women for their rape kits after they are sexually assaulted. “This is a no-brainer,” the Governor said into a microphone cleverly disguised as a blueberry muffin, the only way the National Media* has been able to get Ms. Palin to go on the record. “A woman is sexually assaulted in this country every two minutes, and we can get $1,200 a pop for these rape kits. That’s $36,000 an hour, people!”

Palin unveiled this bold new plan to pump what she calls “Free Rape Cash” into the faltering U.S. economy after finally admitting that as mayor of Wasilla — that one-horse shithole south of Fuckhole Nowheretown, Alaska that has bred quality presidents since George Washington chopped down an Inuit in 1738 — she did indeed charge rape victims for their own rape kits. “Why should the Hard-Working Patriotic Small-Town Average-Joe Hockey Mom Apple-Pie Terror-Hating American taxpayer have to foot the bill for some floozy that doesn’t know when to say no?” Governor Palin was heard saying into a piece of coffee cake. “I’m all for women’s rights, but why should I have to pay for them with my hard-earned Federal earmarks? OOP! I mean, with my hard-earned Permanent Fund Dividend? OOP! I mean tax dollars, tax dollars, dammit!”

Horrifyingly, many American women appear to agree with Gov. Palin. “I’m voting entirely on issues,” one voter with a functioning uterus told us. “I’m sick to death of these whining rape victims and their expensive vaginal swabs, their burdensome lab tests just to match some DNA to the man that brutalized her against her will! Hell, I’m an Evangelical Christian, I don’t even believe in DNA!”

Ms. Palin is expected to make another announcement just as soon as CNN figures out how to put a microphone in a bottle of Wild Turkey. For more on Governor Earhole Von Earmark’s Thanks But No Thanks policy with the pork-barrels, please to view the following Moving Pictures found on The Internets:

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* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! “National Media” we says! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! As if there’s any such thing left in this country as a free and functioning press! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking hell that’s a good one.

Editor’s Note: Sarah Palin is a despicable asshole. If my daughter were raped in a dingy fuckhole of a town that made her pay for the collection of evidence needed to arrest and indict her assailant, I would burn that town to the ground, sew the ashes with lime and dance a jig on its grave to the tune of “The Camptown Ladies” until they hauled me away in a rubber truck.

FUNNIER THAN US UPDATE: H/t from the comments to our dear friend Mr. The Super Jesus, who points out that the occasionally humorous folks over at 23/6 (just kidding, guys! Call me! Seriously. Call me. Do it. Do it now!) have done this with their newfangled moving-picture machines to much greater audio and visual effect. So basically just ignore the hard written work that goes into snark like the above and just watch it from the comfort of your own well-cushioned asses: