Seriously, America: Get your heads out of your asses. We now have videographic moving-pictorial proof that Sarah Palin — the Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States — is beyond unqualified; beyond dangerously naïve or incompetent; beyond the dopey Aw-Shucks Jus’-Folks Hockey Mom so revered by political historians like Doris Kearns Goodwin*. Put simply, Sarah Palin is a Xanadouche: the most perfect, flawless, and splendid example of Great American Douchebaggery this country has produced since, oh, let’s say Joe McCarthy. That guy was a dick.

We coined the term “clusterdouche” a year or so ago because no other term suited the dizzying conflation of Douchebag and Clusterfuck that was George W. Bush and his War on The Terror™; the man is a douche, his War a “Charlie-Foxtrot.” Together — like your chocolate in my peanut butter — they make a clusterdouche. But Sarah Palin has exceeded even this pitiful epithet, and she’s somehow worse than George W. Bush. Palin has bought into her own hype, and is now rushing to backfill the yawning vacuum of her own meager reality before the curtain comes up on November 4^th and we’re all left wondering just what the fuck we voted for. Palin knows she’s not qualified to serve at the highest level of government, and her defense is to make us all feel like asshats for daring to question her veracity. Well not us.

So tonight we give you our new running feature, dedicated entirely — and, we’re certain, updated all-too-frequently — to the Xanadouche that is Governor Sarah Palin. Let’s go to the video tape:

Let’s take a moment to analyze what she said here, shall we? “Well it certainly does [enhance my foreign policy credentials],” Palin says (and we laughed and laughed!). “Our next door neighbors are foreign countries!” She’s saying this as if she’s talking to a complete douchebag, someone that can’t possibly grasp the concept of, you know, international borders. Bush does this. A LOT. He says the most banal, simplistic, NO-FUCKING-DUH things in a way that makes you think HE thinks he’s just Grandly Unified the Theory. It’s one of the many reasons he’s a fucking asshole. Palin does him one better, by adding Sass. She can square her jaw and throw Sass like a hand-grenade. And when what you’re saying while you’re throwing Sass makes you sound like a assmouth, it’s doubly irritating.

Palin goes on, “They’re in the state that … I am … the executive … of.”

Good Christ that’s some elocution, isn’t it? And notice the word “executive” in there; not “Governor,” no, executive. That was no accident. But the “they’re” there refers to Russia and Canada, those Foreign Countries she refers to in the preceding sentence. So Sarah Palin thinks Russia and Canada are in Alaska, and that she governs them all. Sarah Palin is clearly insane.

Roll tape.

“It’s very important, when you consider even, national security issues with Russia as, ‘Putin, where’s his head?’ And comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where do they go?”

This last part she says with a quizzical “Are you fucking STUPID, KATIE?” little half-grin, also a big Bush Favorite. Seriously, WHERE DO THEY GO? When all Russian travelers leave Russian airspace, WHERE THE FUCK DO THEY GO!?! Tell us, do, you fucking moron: 

“It’s Alaska! It’s just right over the border!”

Ahhhh, right! We must be fucking imbeciles! It’s Alaska! Sarah told us! Now comes the truly terrifying bit. This part should scare the living shit out of you.

“It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation — Russia — because they are right there, they are right next to our state.”

Oh. Good. Fuck. What THOSE? What the fuck THOSE is she talking about? Secret Pentecostal Spy Robots? Witches? WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? “It is from Alaska that we send those out.” To keep an eye on Russia. From Alaska. With “Those.”

This is the woman many millions of Americans think is qualified to sit A Heartbeat Away™ from The Button that makes the Nukes Go Boom. The woman that sends Those out. To keep an eye on Russia.

Those.

Xanadouche.

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* If she were hit in the head with a ball-peen hammer, or had her brain replaced with an artichoke.