If you’ve wisely invested in the suddenly-lucrative Dust Bowl Market, wherein your money is safely tied up in various Wraths (see: Grapes thereof), Weedpatches or Joad Insurance, then we congratulate you on your sudden windfall profits and will miss you in The Soup Line. Stop by and visit; we’ll be the ones Wishing in one hand and Shitting in the other and seeing which one fills up before The Federal Government™ (“So Incompetent That We Want You To Drown Us In A Bathtub!”) figures out that the “social” in Socialism is what keeps us from running out and killing each other with moose bazookas. If you’re not, however, happily rolling in Starvation Vouchers or Splattered Wall Street Banker Squeegees, please join us in welcoming the End of the World by storming the White House with pitchforks and scythes and other extremely unpleasant farm implements suitable to the task of expressing political displeasure through the time-honored tradition of Mob-Based Impeachment Via Disembowelment.

Yes, in a stunning display of The Leadership and Whatnot, President George “Empty Coffers” Bush rallied a brave and bi-partisan effort by White House staffers to produce for him a glass of milk and some Tollhouse cookies before his afternoon siesta, proving once again that Commander Guy is indeed the shittiest president in American history. When cornered for a response to the largest single-day point loss on Wall Street today, Bush put on his Thinkifying Cap for half an hour, called his mommy, had a little nap, played some Nintendo, cleared some brush and then finally deigned to say, “We put forward a plan that was big because we got a big problem.” No, really. That’s what he said. “We got a BIG problem.” George W. Bush, ladies and gentlemen: Utterly responsible for this crisis due to his 1st Grade Intellect (next week they’re doing colors!). This is what you get, Red America, when you vote your values; this is what you get when you decide the fate of the nation based on whom you’d rather get drunk and rape a sheep with. This is the Tommy Boy Administration and it has brought us to the brink of ruin. Bill Clinton worked an intern with an Arturo Fuente, took his impeachment like a man and left the country a $230 billion surplus; George Bush was called upon by The God™, shit out two failed wars against The Terrifyingness and has teabagged the entire economy. Now all we need is some cornholing evangelical Christodouche to tell us The Crash is the fault of The Gays, The AIDS, The Abortionists and Bill Maher and we’ve got ourselves a ballgame.

Today’s meltdown is sure to help the campaign of whichever candidate can best lie about the other’s having caused it, except when Senator Obama blames McCain he’ll be telling the truth. Wall Street isn’t so sure. “We haven’t figured it out yet,” one Wall Street “banker” told us as he tied his pants into a noose and stood on his chair, “but somehow we’re going to blame all this on Obama’s black ass.”