In this Clusterdouche! Handy NSA Wiretapping Transcript Exclusive, we’ve uncovered a few frantic minutes from the afternoon of Friday, September 26, 2008, just hours before the first presidential debate in Oxford, MS. Transcripts obtained illegally by Clusterdouche! via the LimeWire Illegal Music and Porno Downloading Apparatus indicate that Senior McCain Advisor and total douchebag Tucker Bounds counseled Senator McCain following a hurried lunch during which the candidate flip-flopped eighteen times between the Chicken and the Fish (he eventually had a salad, which did not agree with him; he has a delicate system consisting mostly of World War II-surplus rubber tubing).

Tucker Bounds: Senator, we need to get headed over to the debate now.

John McCain: What debate is that, son?

TB: (Biting the inside of his cheek.) The…presidential debate, Senator.

JMcC: I thought I said I’d skip that. Is the Wall Street fixed? Did I fix that?

TB: No, sir, they got that done without you. You were absolutely no help whatsoever.

JMcC: So I can take credit for that, then? Fixing the Wall Street?

TB: (Long pause.) Sure, what the hell. They’ve got a deal, it’ll pass, let’s take all the credit for it. You’re the Hero of Wall Street.

JMcC: (Clapping wildly.) I’m a hero, I’m a HERO!

TB: Country First!

JMcC: Reality Second!

(They middle-five one another awkwardly.)

JMcC: So I saved the Wall Street. Can I say something like, ‘For five and a half years I didn’t have a wall…”

TB: Ugh, Senator…

JMcC: I didn’t have a street…

TB: Please, God…

JMcC: I didn’t have anyone to bail me out…

TB: Senator, I just ate lunch…

JMcC: Okay then, so I fixed the Wall Street, still the big hero, America knows me, they know my record, what else? Can I go home now?

TB: No, sir, we’ve got the first presidential debate in less than 2 hours.

JMcC: Oh fuck me.

TB: Exactly.

JMcC: What’s this debate about?

TB: National Security. Wars and whatnot.

JMcC: Well that’s outstanding, son, that’s in my wheelhouse, my bailiwick!

TB: Sir, it’s 2008, no one says ‘bailiwick.’ Try not to use so many 15^th century words.

JMcC: Forsooth!

TB: (Blinking.)

JMcC: Zounds?

TB: This debate is on National Security…

JMcC: Huzzah! Blowing up brown people, I’ve done that myself! Then I got shot down…

TB: …but Lehrer will surely spend a good deal of time on the economy.

JMcC: OH FUCK ME!

TB: Indeed.

JMcC: I say we don’t show up. We’re suspending our campaign. Fixing the Wall Street.

TB: We already did that, sir.

JMcC: Did it work?

TB: Oh good God no. Total disaster. Also, you didn’t suspend anything, really. Sort of a farce.

JMcC: Well shit.

TB: Look, let’s concentrate on some things you absolutely shouldn’t say during the debate. Things you’ve been saying during prep or muttering out loud while napping.

JMcC: Let’s do it. Give me one. The people know me, they know my record. POW. Maverick. Quack.

TB: (Reading from a list.) Okay, here’s one you’ve been saying a lot: Uppity.

JMcC: Uppity!

TB: Never, ever say ‘uppity’ during the debate.

JMcC: Oh I’ve got to say uppity.

TB: You cannot say uppity.

JMcC: (Becoming agitated, pacing.) I’ve got to say uppity. He’s uppity. He knows he’s uppity. The American people know he’s uppity. Let me say uppity.

TB: Please, Jesus, don’t say uppity, Senator.

JMcC: I have this overwhelming urge to turn and face him and say right to his face, “Who do you think you are, you uppity fella?” Right to his face.

TB: (Blinking.) Then maybe you just shouldn’t look at him.

JMcC: (Becoming consumed by ill-temperament.) If I look at him, I’m going to call him uppity!

TB: Don’t look at him.

JMcC: (Stifling visible rage.) Not once?

TB: Don’t look at him, keep your eyes averted, avert your eyes. Pretend he’s Cindy during one of her skin replacement treatments.

JMcC: (Shudders.) But Tucker I can’t just not look at the man. I’ll come off like a crotchety old poop!

TB: Some might even say a snob. Am arrogant prick. A jackass. You may even look intimidated by Senator Obama’s youth and command of the stage…

JMcC: (Exploding.) LET ME JUST CALL HIM UPPITY AND BE DONE WITH IT!

Tucker produces a spray-bottle and spritzes Senator McCain with cold water. The candidate immediately begins to settle down.

TB: (Speaking soothingly.) Okay then, alright now, good boy. Just don’t look at him, juuust don’t look at the bad man, don’t look at the bad man.

JMcC: (Mumbling angrily.)

TB: And never say uppity.

JMcC: (Snarls; Tucker shakes the spray-bottle at him.)

TB: (Returns to list.) Here’s something you’ve been harping on lately: Bear DNA in Montana.

JMcC: (Unhinging suddenly.) GODDAMNED BEAR DNA! THREE MILLION BULLSHITTING DOLLARS TO STUDY BEAR DNA!! IT MAKES ME SO CRAPPING MAD!

TB: We know, sir, we know. (SPRITZ- SPRITZ) You hate the earmarks, you hate the spending, you hate bear DNA. But here’s the thing…

JMcC: (Smoldering soggily.) GoddamnstupidMontanabearDNAmakesmesomad.

TB: …we don’t want you drawing attention to this sort of thing because of … well … you know …

JMcC: (Exploding.) OH WHAT THE FUCK HAS THAT WOMAN DONE NOW?! JESUS CHRIST WHY DIDN’T YOU ASSHOLES VET THAT WOMAN FOR MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS!?

TB: (SPRITZ) Sir, Governor Palin has all kinds of animal-research ear–

JMcC: I’ve told you, Tucker, I’ve TOLD YOU: NEVER SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE! EVER! SHE’S ‘THAT WOMAN’! OR USE HER SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME!

TB: What is it this week, sir?

JMcC: (Muttering.) ‘Moosdssh.’

TB: I’m sorry?

JMcC: ‘MOOSEDOUCHE’! They’ve been calling her ‘MOOSEDOUCHE’ this week.

TB: The really don’t like her, do they?

JMcC: She scares them. These guys train to jump in front of bullets and she scares them shitless.

TB: Oh dear.

JMcC: She made Tommy cry the other day.

TB: That bitch.

JMcC: I’ll tell you what, I spent five and half years with my nuts in a Vietcong cheese grater and I’d rather go back to a hot fireplace poker up my asshole than spend ten minutes alone with that woman.

TB: You and me both, sir. Now, can we work on Ahmadinejad for a few minutes?

(To be continued.)