JOHN McCAIN WINS CRUCIAL RACIST ZOMBIE VOTE WITH HYSTERICAL “THAT ONE” ZINGER
By Elvis Dingeldein • Oct 8th, 2008 • Category: NEWS
Racist Southern Zombies are lining up at the polls today following a frenzied night of brain-eating in celebration of John “The Disdainer” McCain’s punchy little whiz-bang in which he dismissively referred to the Senator from Illinois as “that one,” a daring gambit intended to shore up the crucial Deep South Racist Asshole Zombie electorate. Careful readers of The History™ (It All Works Out Fine. If You’re White!) will remember that a similar gambit paid poor dividends for fellow Short White Asshole Stephen “I’m A Short White Asshole! Also, I Likee The Slavery” Douglas, who hurled a series of racist epithets at Abraham Lincoln during their famous “Honest Abe and Short White Slave-Loving Prick Debates.” Lincoln, like Senator Obama an Illinois state legislator who spent only one term in Congress, handily deflected Douglas’s attacks by beating the little man repeatedly with a Whig. This was “hysterical.” Douglas subsequently received only 7% of the Zombie Vote, as the typical reanimated human corpse has little use for slaves other than the cheap source of protein.
But can Senator McCain revive his flagging campaign by appealing to long-dead Civil War-era Racist Asshole Southern Zombies? Pundits are divided. “McCain’s ‘that one’ jab is the sort of thing that only works if you’re 150-160 years old,” McCain supporter and race-baiting fuckhole Pat Buchanan told us following last night’s Town Hall-style debate, if you consider a roomful of half-asleep mouth-breathers a town hall*. “Most voters over a hundred are Floridian Jews, and McCain flushed them down the shitter with his plan to crush Medicare, so he’s got to work with mostly-Southern ultra-racist Confederate Zombie Assholes born around 1830.”
Democratic strategists think Senator McCain — who lurched around the stage last night like a confused tiger that just took a tranquilizer dart in the asshole — may have overplayed his Big Print Racist Shithead Cards by disrespecting Senator Obama so casually. “We’ve been working the zombie vote in several battleground states,” said David Axelrod, a top Obama advisor. “They’re worried about a brain shortage in Republican-ruled Washington, this is a terrible Brain Economy for hungry zombies. They’re not going to fall for this crap.”
Reached for comment, my own Racist Zombie Grandmother – who once referred to my 16 year-old girlfriend, and this is true, as “that one” because she literally came from the other side of the train tracks in our southern Mississippi town and whose first question when told by phone that I was seeing a new girl was always “Is she black?” – said, through a mouthful of brains, “Guuuuhhhhhnnnnn!” I choose to interpret this as “Obama-Biden Oh-Eight!” (I love you Zombie Gran-Gran!)
* Go to any town. Find its “hall.” You’ll find nothing but half-asleep mouth-breathers there. Democracy is doomed.
Elvis Dingeldein is kicking The Ass and taking The Names.
Email this author | All posts by Elvis Dingeldein
The story is hilarious. The photoshopping? Divine. Kudos, sir.
I love it! Honestly when you listen to these arseholes chanting their pep-rally-ish nonsense at the McDumbass/Scare-accuda rallies it really is like a bunch of brain eating zombies!
They love to hate! They don’t need a reason!
Yeah, but at least racist zombies don’t move very fast. And SOUTHERN racist zombies? Damn, they’re so fat, they don’t even bother to get off the couch. Last time I was in Garland, TX — true story — I overheard my uncle, Bubba zombie, ask my Aunt Lulu: “You wanna go chew on li’l Jenny’s neck?” And Aunt Lulu Zombie answered, “Naww…pass me them Funyuns…” Good times.
Sir Dingeldein, your grandmother and mine would get along just fine. If yours lives anywhere near Tampa Bay they are probably in the same bingo league. Where they talk about how all the coloreds have ruined everything. If I have to listen to hear wax poetic about the good old days when her “Mammy” would send her to the store to buy snuff with a nickel wrapped in a handkerchief, I think I might just puke.
Not only have they shorn (is that a word?) up the Deep South Racist Asshole Zombie electorate, they have the previously semi-closeted Racist Asshole Zombie electorate of many of those square states in the middle of the country pouring out of their closets as well. It’s kinda refreshing to see everyone being themselves for a change.
Good to see you’re aware of the Number One threat to the human race, besides BEARS! I wrote a jZOMBIE Short Story when I saw on T.V. this summer, a Story about a JESUS Camp where the “Nurse Ratchett” sweet “Christian” Woman was running it like a Jack-Booted German “BUNDT” Movement Fraulein, & it was freakin’ SCARY because the Teenagers were all GLAZED-EYED ZOMBIES, doing that weird synchronized “waving hands UP and arms SIDE TO SIDE” hypnotized “WAVE” and the Kids were all hyped up & EXCITED, like they were Tripping, but without the DRUGS!
Clusterdouche, thanks for the really funny articles and stuff, WAY better than “REAL” News, ironically THEY are actually the “FAKE” News, because mostly broadcasting propaganda & corporate SPIN, not much ‘NEWS”! If it wasn’t for HUMOR & COMEDY & MUSIC ARTISTS, living in BUSH World would drive us INSANE. And I’m SERIOUS, mean it!