Poor John McCain. All the Republican candidate wanted to do was robocall a few million racist white pinheaded voters using the same firm that helped destroy his 2000 presidential run in South Carolina by implying that he had fathered an illegitimate child with a syphilitic Socialist Vietnamese mountain goat named Phuong Qui. Where’s the dishonor in that? Sure, McCain condemned them as “hate calls” on February 20, 2000, but that was before he and his moxy-mouthed Mooselini had made Hate so much fun! With nothing but honkies* on the Republican ticket in 2000, you couldn’t even find a pick-up rally that would cheer your raving threats of assassination and beheadery. And with $230 billion in budget surpluses, record-low unemployment, and declining welfare rolls, those were dark days for hate-filled bigots and their hateful little bigotty offspring.

But now yet another wacky McCain Campaign Stunt has backfired, as legions of terrified pinheads too stupid to think for themselves or get their news from anything but an e-mail from the neighborhood Cat Lady began receiving phone calls from frightening racist robots. “I ain’t too a’feared a’Barack O-bamma, but holy shitballs them phone-callin Terminators is scary!” a voter in Deliverance, West Virginia told us this morning. “I says, ‘Momma, thars a robot on the talk-box!’ She says, ‘Well what it say?’ An I lissen fer a spell an holler back, ‘Sumthin bout acorns and bill-airs, I dunno whut the fuck its sayin!’ An Momma – she got a real temper onner – she say, ‘Goddammit, Cletus, you stop talkin to them robots an git them critters out the corn crib!’ But I lissen summore an that robot say we all gonna die cuzza sum acorns and bill-airs! Fuckin scary robots!”

But voters in western Pennsylvania (“Ever See That X-Files With The Mutated Inbred Axe-Killin Family? Yeah, Welcome to Western PA!”) found comfort in the Robotic Hate Calls. “All I do is watch the Fox News, read World Net Daily and bounce e-mails about Obama bein born in Afghanistan to people what thunk just like me,” says Horace Clumberpatch, a dirt farmer in Washington, PA. “So havin my mind made up by a robot in Brooklyn ain’t nothin new.”

In related news, the RNC has purchased the Tyrell Corporation and begun work on a race of cybernetic “Replicants” they hope will turn out the vote in Michigan, Ohio and Florida by brutally slaughtering poor people.

* We’ll consider Alan Keyes a black man as soon as he does.