OBAMA WINS; KENTUCKY, ALABAMA SECEDE FROM UNION
By Elvis Dingeldein • Nov 5th, 2008 • Category: Lead Story
In an Electoral College upset that shocked the half-dozen gomers still working on the McCain campaign who suffer from acalculia and can’t read “polling data,” Illinois Senator Barack Obama has won the 2008 election over the strenuous objection of poorly-educated mountain-folk and “the rich.” While the former could not bring themselves to vote for a black man whose middle name terrifies them so badly they can’t make The Moonshine, the latter couched their dissent in GOP Talking Points. “I’m for a strong national defense and smaller government,” one of the few remaining sober Conservatives told us late last night. “I believe in a State’s right to … oh fuck it, who am I kidding? I just don’t want to pay taxes. Taxes make Baby Jesus cry.”
Upon hearing the news of Obama’s victory, legislators* in the neo-Confederate states of Kentucky and Alabama immediately seceded from the union after seeking counsel from Todd Palin, whose beloved Alaskan Independence Party wants nothing more than to tell The Real America (“If it’s different, we’ll fear it!”) to go fuck itself. “Ain’t a white man in the state whut voted for Hussein, so we’s gone,” Alabama Governor Bob “Hey Look, A Convict! Kill It!” Riley told us. “We got us a thrivin cotton bi’ness here in Alabama, we’ll do jes fine.”
When told that Alabama’s economy relies more on Federal defense contracts than cotton revenues, which haven’t been competitive since the 1870s, Gov. Riley burst into bitter, bitter tears. We found this entirely satisfying.
In related news, Cindy McCain has filed for a divorce citing “Utter failure as a man and a candidate” and asking for more than sixty trillion dollars in alimony. “I didn’t marry this little guy back when I was young and hot and in demand to see him lose to a terror-loving Socialist crack-head from Timbuktu,” said Mrs. McCain’s Cyberdyne Systems 9000 Auto-Response Module from its recharging station in Phoenix. “I’ve spent millions of Daddy’s beer dollars and for what, a worn-out Senator with two dozen pairs of Maverick pajamas? That’s not good enough!”
* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! “Legislators” we said! In Kentucky and Alabama? AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking priceless.
Elvis Dingeldein is kicking The Ass and taking The Names.
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As always, good stuff here. For the first time in 8 years I’m not completely embarrassed by the majority of voters in my state of Ohio. Glad to be part of the solution for a change.
I posted an especially juicy comment today I thought you might enjoy. Keep up the good work my friend.
Super J.
Good stuff ED. I expect Mississippi to join them just as soon as they think about it.
We have legislators in Alabama! Hell, they meet for thirty whole days out of the year.
‘We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality — judiciously, as you will — we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”
BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! How do you like THIS reality, fuckheads? Here, study THIS.
Nice try, but big brother called it a week earlier.
Thanks for playing!
Mr. Dingeldein, your presence is requested at your other home–the goddamn awesome one. I’ve heard various theories on your absence, most having to do with Vodka and storming a distillery in Russia. Will you please have them fly you back so you can make a rack of snark for those of us who find it tasty?
I hope you know that there are intelligent people in Jefferson County, Kentucky who not only campaigned and voted for Barack Obama but also worked hard to educate the rest of the state. Sigh. We pretend we belong to another state to keep our sanity.
YES! BARACK OBAMA IS OUR NEW PRESIDENT and John Yarmuth is our representative in congress, and we at least gave Mitch McConnell a run for his money - lots of money.
I understand this is a joke, but just so it’s out there,
the entire State of Kentucky has lots of very intelligent people.
We also have lots of very dumb people too.
Every state does.
-Jeremiah Frost-
Happy to meet you, Jeremiah.
I’m from Alabama and proud of it. We’re not all idiots like y’all. We don’t support Obama for a reason. He’s the real idiot. Give it time and I’m sure he’ll prove it. Obama promises change… what change?? He never says. Hitler promised change, too.